Swachchata abhiyan

It was early morning. So early, even the birds were fast asleep.

 A time when Raghu liked to get the job done and over with. It was his me time. That way, he was a shy person. He liked to defecate alone in the fields in the darkness. Not for him, the community defecation festivals conducted every morning by his fellow villagers.

 The anti open defecation mohim, which was a rage in the rest of the country, had not yet touched his village. Perhaps, due to his village falling in an opposition ruled state?

 And so he was doing his job peacefully, sitting ('h' silent)below a tree, humming a tune.

Suddenly he was lifted up in the air, still in same position, his legs wrapped tightly by something. As he was being carried off with his pants down, he realised that it was an elephant from the neighbouring forest, which was swinging him wildly.

 With his heart in his mouth, he saw death. He saw his long departed grandmother, his uncle and an assortment of departed fellow villagers, all having a good laugh at his expense. As tears steamed down his eyes and with his bottom literally yellowed, he prayed… prayed hard.

 And miraculously, perhaps overcome by the pungent odour of the load it was carrying, the running elephant finally dropped him like a load of potatoes and ran off into the neighbouring forest.

 Today the man has become an ambassador of the swatchchata abhiyan of the village and his mascot is…who else, Appu Raja.

 Yatindra Tawde

Tu cheese badi hai mast

"Tu cheese badi hai mast mast", went the superhit song of the 90's, which had Khiladi Kumar and Raveena Tandon gyrating to the lyrics. The spelling of cheese above is not a spelling mistake, it is deliberately spelled so, since it is the heroine of this story.

 It is said that all living things, including trees, respond to various types of music, in different ways. While we have seen cats enjoying piano music, dogs have been known to headbang to rock.

 Trees respond to music too, and Indian classical has been proved to help the plants to thrive. However, certain research says that trees or plants respond to the vibrations produced by music. 

Taking inspiration from above I decided to study the effects of music on cheese; I was very eager to know how the flavour and ripening of cheese would respond to different frequencies of musical sound.

 So I went to the mall and bought 8 packets of cheese. After coming home the cheese was gently escorted out of the packs and kept on 8 wooden dishes seperately. Then eight pairs of earphones were placed surrounding each wooden dish. Lot of thought went into the selection of eight types of music. 

One dish of cheese wiggled itself to Elvis Presley while Beetles serenaded another.

 While Country Music took it back to its country roots, afrobeat shook it up to its core.

 Jazz was music to its core, and Folk music welled up its eyes. The cheese really thrived in Indian classical, growing in size and spilling beyond the borders of the wooden dish.

 But when I played it, its namesake song, "tu cheese badi hai mast mast…", and tasted, I slurped my fingers; it has a strong flavour. Perhaps it was influenced by the pair of handsome specimen who wiggled their booty seductively.

 You would think I have lost my mind but no.

 Recently a team of researchers, who, usually don't have anything productive to do, conducted an exactly similar experiment. The team used mini transmitters to diffuse the musical energy into the cheese and this experiment went on for 6 months for the results to be concluded and finally the results were announced.

 The cheese exposed to Mozart had a milder taste, but it was the cheese exposed to hip-hop which had a tangy flavour.

 Hope, further research doesn't say that the Gully boy binges on tangy cheese. Or the Classical wizard is a connoisseur of mild cheese…

 Yatindra Tawde

A burglar

What is OCD, someone might ask? I say, ask my wife, the epitome of OCD. Well, OCD is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Google defines it as, excessive thoughts that lead to repetitive behaviour.

 Why is my wife, the epitome of OCD? Well, once the maid has cleaned the house and left, my wife finds dust and unclean corners in the house. And she gets down to the job of cleaning it further. But friends say that it is my OCD to exaggerate my wife’s behaviours.

 Today’s story is on a different subject.

 Paul and Samantha planned to go on an extended holiday. But worried about the general maintenance of their formidable property during their absence, they decided to employ the services of a house sitter. They didn’t advertise it in the papers but used their friend circle to find a trusted house sitter. And they found one, in the young and effervescent Jennie.

 One day prior to their departure, Jennie came to stay with them. Samantha was happy that her precious plants would stay hale-n-hearty under Jennie’s care. Paul was happy that his piano would remain in spic-n-span condition, so too, his billiards table and the golf kit.

 Jennie was over the moon.

After all, she would be living her dream; dream of living in an exclusive and luxurious property and getting paid for it.

 The next morning was the time for enthusiastic goodbyes from both parties. Once the owners had left, the huge house was for Jennie to enjoy. She brewed up a cup of piping hot coffee and found her cosy corner in the Emperor sized chair kept in front of the theatre sized TV, which she put on and binged watched GoT.

 After this marathon TV watching session, her tired eyes demanded shut eye. She headed to one of the bedrooms and made herself comfortable on a king sized double bed,. Hardly had a few minutes passed, she was woken up by shuffling noises.

She was wide awake now, her heart thudding inside her heaving chest. The noise stopped. As her breath normalised, she drifted back into sleep.

 There it was again. She panicked.

The noises seemed to come from the bathroom at one end of the bedroom. She tiptoed towards the bathroom, half expecting someone to barge out. Seeing the latch on the bathroom door, she heaved a sigh of relief. She rushed the last few steps towards the door and with shivering hands, locked it securely. With equal fervour, she retraced her steps towards the house phone and called 9-1-1.

 “I am alone in the house, but I hear noises from the bathroom. Am a house sitter, the owners have left just today morning and I was alone when they left. Please help!”.

 The 911 services coordinated her location in the background with basic information from Jennie and in a few minutes, the police were at the door.

 A relieved Jennie guided them towards the bathroom. “There! Can you hear that?”. Yes, the police certainly heard something. “Come out with your arms raised. Don’t try anything funny!”, the Sergeant barked out the orders. Their ominous message was met by frantic shuffling inside. But no one emerged. The latch was opened noiselessly as the police prepared to barge in. Hearing no response from inside, the posse of policemen drew their weapons. One of them kicked open the door, which flew in and crashed on the wall. Two policemen, led by their service revolvers, entered inside. They were greeted by…thin air! But there was a sudden movement in a corner, a shuffling noise, this time stronger but the suspense was lifted. It was the auto Vacuum cleaner! The alleged ‘burglar’, the vacuum cleaner, was just doing its cleaning job at the pre-programmed hour. A burglar with OCD? The police as well as an embarrassed Jennie, had a good laugh over this ‘much ado about nothing’ scenario. Jennie talked to the owners and put the machine to sleep. Yatindra Tawde